A Quick Trip to Target

We all know that a trip to Target is never "quick."

There are two kinds of hell that one can find themselves in at Target:

1.  The Overspending Hell:  I went in for toilet paper and ended up spending $200.  This NEVER happens to me (um no, just kidding, see #2).

2.  The I Have Children With Me Hell:

     "Can I get just a small toy?"
     "No, we came for toilet paper."
     "Can we get this pretty shirt?"
     "No.  Toilet paper, remember?"
     "Can I get this box of (expensive) princess band-aids?"
     "No.  TOILET PAPER!!!!!"

We all know that no one makes it this far - hence the $200.   Hell #2 almost always leads to Hell #1.

Anywho, today the two big girls and I were dropped off at the pearly red gates to go pick up a few things. Pa was so confident it would be quick that he opted to stay in car with the snoozing baby.  Our first stop was the bathroom as a pre-emptive strike - and only one child crawled around on the floor to "watch you from the floor while you pee, Mommy!" thus leading to some thorough hand washing at the too-high for her sink.  Which led to a wet shirt... which led to "Can I get a new shirt?" I gave a quick "no" and "Daddy's waiting in the car; we have to be quick!" which actually worked...

The trip was quickly turning into a Target success story: We had only purchased the few items from our list, I had found the ones with discounts from my Cartwheel App (my latest obsession) and the girls weren't fighting.  Too much.  So, I thought, well why don't I go ahead and get them a little something?

I should have known better.

"Okay, Girls, we are going to the art section and you can pick out a little something for being so good today."

"Yay!" They yell in unison.  They're probably thinking SUCKER!!!! in their devilish little minds.  In my little mind, I'm thinking that this will be easy - get them a coloring book and some crayons and then get the heck outta there.

"You can each pick something for $5. Whatever you want.  OR you can join your money together and get something for $10 that you will share."  This seemed like a brilliant idea to me.  They were uninterested.  Instead, they were interested in wandering up and down the aisle acting like they were making Sophie's Choice.  Their little fingers gently caressed each precious Dora or Mickey or princess trinket.  How will I ever decide which piece of crap to buy today?!

I would say, "How about ______" and one would respond, "No..." every single time.  Likely, since it was a suggestion from me, it was immediately shot down.

Five minutes go by.

I keep offering suggestions to no avail... Z. would come up to me with something and I'd say, "Sorry that's not $5, that's $50.  Look over ____ for something."

Ten minutes go by.

I'm getting cranky.  This was a bad idea.  Our double wide shopping cart - which has exactly seven items in it - is blocking the aisle so I keep trying to make a loop around to get out of everyone's way.  Another mother is trying to do the same so we are constantly bumping into each other.  I start to wonder, is there a third level of hell in Target? The My Children Won't Make a Choice so I'm Circling the Aisle with a Double-Wide Cart level of hell?!

"All right, you have two minutes to make a choice and then we're leaving; Daddy's waiting."  They start to pace the aisle. I swear they're sweating.  I'm wondering why I didn't give this ultimatum before.  This is a quick trip no more.  My phone starts buzzing.  I'm outside when you're ready, Pa texts to me.  A gentle way of saying WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!   I respond: We are stalled in the arts and crafts aisle.  The phone buzzes again almost instantly: Was that on the list?  My fingers flicker back: Shut up!  I know he knows what's going on.  I also know that he is loving being in the car listening to talk radio without anyone bugging him.  Lucky bastard, I think...  (Although I wouldn't be listening to talk radio. I would be on Facebook on my phone or... poking around for deals on the Cartwheel App... like I said, my new obsession...)

FINALLY, my two power shoppers have made their all important decisions.  In a shocking turn of events, Z. chose the EXACT Dora coloring book I had suggested ten minutes earlier. A. has actually made a choice that makes me happy -- a journal and some pretty pens.  My little writer in training.

Pa greets us at the front door as the girls race each other to show him their prized possessions.  I am pushing the impossible-to-steer-cart while simultaneously trying not to mow over a small child (especially one of mine) or crash into the huge glass front doors.  Paying to fix those probably isn't on the Cartwheel App.  Perhaps it should be?!