Please don't call Hoarders on me!

As my children have gotten older, I've begun to wonder if they have some kind of special magnetic field inside their little bodies that causes a variety of messes to be magically created as they pass by.  In the span of five minutes, a clean room can be instantly transformed into an episode of Hoarders. In fact, if you show up at my house at just the wrong time, you would seriously consider contacting the producers to get them to come film us.  And don't even get me started on my mini-van.  

Toys organized neatly on a shelf or in a bin?  BAM scattered all over the floor.  

A stack of paper sitting on the counter?  BAM scattered all over the floor.

Clothes folded inside a laundry basket?  BAM scattered all over the floor.

Today I walked into the living room and found that Z had been playing doctor with her dolls and covered them in band-aids. Adorable, right?  Except on the floor were what appeared to be millions of bits of band-aid wrappings - both the exterior packaging AND the little white strips that adhere to the sticky parts. She'd probably unwrapped 50... which means there were at least 150 little pieces of paper strewn about.

Not so cute anymore.  Except it still is because when I said, "Oh, Z, what a mess!"  She said, "Mommy it's okay; I'm playing and sometimes it's messy."  

So, I am always on the look-out for ways to manage the clutter that comes with 3 kids.  I want ideas that are practical (like I can actually do it) and that don't make me go insane, give up and collapse in a heap on the couch.  That's the hardest hurdle to overcome: The Couch.  It's always a-callin' my name.  This weekend, I stumbled across this article titled "Say Goodbye to Clutter."  I thought it could have some good ideas...

It was the dumbest article I have ever read in my life.  Okay, that might be a bit of hyperbole, but it was certainly a disappointment.  I've decided to respond line-by-line to each suggestion.  There are only 5... That should have been the tip off: Only 5 suggestions for managing clutter? Puh-lease - clearly you've never been to my house.

1.  Have an ongoing yard sale box.

Okay not a terrible idea.  I am most certainly not organized enough to plan ahead for a yard sale, but I do have boxes around the house where I toss clothes the girls have grown out of so that I can store them or donate them.  Doesn't help my clutter.

2.  Annual clutter elimination.

Not a terrible idea but not going to help me on a day-to-day basis. Also, here's how this would play out for me:

Self-to-Self: "Hey, I should do my annual clutter elimination soon!"

Self-to-Self: "Yeah, great idea, how about tomorrow!"

Self-to-Self: "Cool, good idea. Let's go sit on the couch."

And then suddenly it's 6 months later ...

3.  The No-Pile Rule.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!  Oh, okay, just don't leave piles around the house. Seriously, for real?  I'm not a moron - I know that piles lead to clutter. THAT'S WHY I'M READING THE DAMN ARTICLE.  

4.  In the door, in its place.

So, whenever something comes in the house it goes into a pre-arranged place. Like coats on a hook, backpacks by the door, junk mail in the recycle bin.  Yeah, I already do that.  Doesn't help my clutter.  

5.  Avoid clutter collecting furniture.

Oh, great, so this helps.  I will just get rid of all couches, tables, countertops, beds, and windowsills in the house.  Also the floor.  

I think I'll just go back to the couch and give up.  I'd rather have happy kids and a messy house than unhappy kids and a clean house anyway...